Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
