I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
