i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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