i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
