How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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