Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
