Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
