We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
