Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
