God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
