Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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