I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
