I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
