We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
