; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
