i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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