Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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