I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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