My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
