i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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