I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
