Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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