I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
