The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
