I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He did a backflip because drugs
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