How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Fuck me I smell like cheese