just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
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Are we still banned from the library?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.