You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
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...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line