Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.