i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
