My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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