Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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