is your mom at the bar?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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