It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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