Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
