Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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