i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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