my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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