I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
