yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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