you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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