There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
