I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
