Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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