Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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