I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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