just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
