I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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