The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
