My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
