You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
