well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
what day is it and did you see me today?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
