Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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