just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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