I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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