it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
