Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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