I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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