Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
