I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
