There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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