she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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