I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
